Date - 01/05/2017
Place - Hotel Richmond Residency, Bengaluru


I am here in Bangalore for a conference named COMSNETS, where I am also presenting a paper jointly authored by myself and my guide Prof. Debashis Saha. I have spent many a days in this city before. Four years to be precise. I turned 30 in October last year. So, where did the last 6 years go? What happened? Who am I today? I had an uneasy feeling inside me since quite some time now. But today as I sunk into the plush bed cushions of my bed in the hotel room, I could hear the noises more clearly. While the feeling is indescribable, there is something which is pushing me to write about it.

Let me review the last six years to begin with. My time here in Bangalore can be described by two or three main undertakings that I was mostly involved with. Like many in my age, I was quite confused about life in general, and my occupation in particular. I barely exercise much agency of my own, in choosing my initial career at Satyam, followed by IBM and Tech Mahindra. In fact, when I look back today, there has hardly been occasions where  my choices were consciously taken. While I think that no choice ever made is truly one's own, and has some level of structural influence, there are choices people make out of an intuitive gut feel, choices where the heart overpowers logic. This minute event in the life of a person, when he takes a step, not in the uncontrollable throes of a passion, but a sweet desire reeking of freedom and hope and mystery, is what constitute the subjectivity of a person's life. So coming back, my subjectivity was highlighted on occasions which I can count on my fingers. First, I decided to enroll for the Karate sessions and reached till a Brown junior level before moving to Kolkata, secondly, I enrolled in a few Violin classes and learnt a bit of it, and thirdly I almost became a Buddhist monk.

And then i got married! Well, i wanted to actually, but also didn't want to on some levels. That topic for some other day though!

I learnt and unlearned quite a few things in these past years, My quest has undergone and continues to undergo see many crests and troughs. Six years ago, I was a pensive, heartbroken, lonely, and clueless man. Clueless about almost everything. Love, relationships, expectations, ambitions, hate, jealousy, lust, you name it. By clueless, i mean i was not fully conscious of any of these aspects, and hence I failed at managing them on every occasion. Clueless therefore, does not mean not experiencing these aspects. I have certainly grown way more aware of each of them, compared to six years before. My perceptions is getting better, and I try to be empathetic to people and understand their point of view, even in times when either anger, or ill-will arises in my mind for any of their action. Sometimes i have been able to manage these emotions and look above them, and practiced kindness, yet other times i have given in to these emotions, for the worse. Anyways, at least i know that i am becoming conscious by each day. This development for me about myself, is the most re-assuring development i will have to say.

However, there i challenges. I still have trouble listening to people, and connect with them. Very few things seem to grab my interest, in spite of the attention i give to them. This also brings me to another important aspect i am struggling with. I am not flowing. I feel my actions are constricted. While my head is almost always active, with constant monologues of could be's and would be's and what was and what will. The manifestation in my overall conduct however, appear loathsome and dry and tiring. Therefore i am thinking, whether the way i am practicing (at least some of it) suits me. I think not. Therefore, i am beginning to find my way all over again. Probably a path, where i can practice more compassion, more kindness, develop my perception and thinking, and continue on the path of meditation. But also, something that feels more natural, more in tune, more comfortable and joyful. Maybe small things here and there! But, i must do it.

To begin with, i am going to try to inculcate the qualities of Bushido. These are:

I. Rectitude or Justice

Bushido refers not only to martial rectitude, but to personal rectitude: Rectitude or Justice, is the strongest virtue of Bushido. A well-known samurai defines it this way: ‘Rectitude is one’s power to decide upon a course of conduct in accordance with reason, without wavering; to die when to die is right, to strike when to strike is right.’ Another speaks of it in the following terms: ‘Rectitude is the bone that gives firmness and stature. Without bones the head cannot rest on top of the spine, nor hands move nor feet stand. So without Rectitude neither talent nor learning can make the human frame into a samurai.’

II. Courage

Bushido distinguishes between bravery and courage: Courage is worthy of being counted among virtues only if it’s exercised in the cause of Righteousness and Rectitude. In his Analects, Confucius says: ‘Perceiving what is right and doing it not reveals a lack of Courage.’ In short, ‘Courage is doing what is right.’

III. Benevolence or Mercy

A man invested with the power to command and the power to kill was expected to demonstrate equally extraordinary powers of benevolence and mercy: Love, magnanimity, affection for others, sympathy and pity, are traits of Benevolence, the highest attribute of the human soul. Both Confucius and Mencius often said the highest requirement of a ruler of men is Benevolence.

IV. Politeness

Discerning the difference between obsequiousness and politeness can be difficult for casual visitors to Japan, but for a true man, courtesy is rooted in benevolence: Courtesy and good manners have been noticed by every foreign tourist as distinctive Japanese traits. But Politeness should be the expression of a benevolent regard for the feelings of others; it’s a poor virtue if it’s motivated only by a fear of offending good taste. In its highest form Politeness approaches love.

V. Honesty and Sincerity

True samurai, according to author Nitobe, disdained money, believing that “men must grudge money, for riches hinder wisdom.” Thus children of high-ranking samurai were raised to believe that talking about money showed poor taste, and that ignorance of the value of different coins showed good breeding: Bushido encouraged thrift, not for economical reasons so much as for the exercise of abstinence. Luxury was thought the greatest menace to manhood, and severe simplicity was required of the warrior class … the counting machine and abacus were abhorred.

VI. Honor

Though Bushido deals with the profession of soldiering, it is equally concerned with non-martial behavior: The sense of Honor, a vivid consciousness of personal dignity and worth, characterized the samurai. He was born and bred to value the duties and privileges of his profession. Fear of disgrace hung like a sword over the head of every samurai … To take offense at slight provocation was ridiculed as ‘short-tempered.’ As the popular adage put it: ‘True patience means bearing the unbearable.’

VII. Loyalty

Economic reality has dealt a blow to organizational loyalty around the world. Nonetheless, true men remain loyal to those to whom they are indebted: Loyalty to a superior was the most distinctive virtue of the feudal era. Personal fidelity exists among all sorts of men: a gang of pickpockets swears allegiance to its leader. But only in the code of chivalrous Honor does Loyalty assume paramount importance.

VIII. Character and Self-Control

Bushido teaches that men should behave according to an absolute moral standard, one that transcends logic. What’s right is right, and what’s wrong is wrong. The difference between good and bad and between right and wrong are givens, not arguments subject to discussion or justification, and a man should know the difference. Finally, it is a man’s obligation to teach his children moral standards through the model of his own behavior: The first objective of samurai education was to build up Character. The subtler faculties of prudence, intelligence, and dialectics were less important. Intellectual superiority was esteemed, but a samurai was essentially a man of action. No historian would argue that Hideyoshi personified the Eight Virtues of Bushido throughout his life. Like many great men, deep faults paralleled his towering gifts. Yet by choosing compassion over confrontation, and benevolence over belligerence, he demonstrated ageless qualities of manliness. Today his lessons could not be more timely

I wish to have more steadfastness and faith in myself.

Probably I would have much to say when i write here again the next time.

Never lost,
yet i find again
Touches me by,
dewdrops remain
Some angry sky,
and earth serene
That takes me far,
and loves again

Stars are all i think of now
of their journey
and darkness of their path
and their bright long cover

why do they have to be so far
to make them look small
someone must be scared
of love and beauty

someone must be singing
only to listen to himself
and call them down
to kiss them and ask for love

From an unknown poet

ना सुकून ऐ दिल की है आरज़ू,

न किसी अज़ल की तलाश है। 

तेरी जुस्तजू में जो खो गयी,

मुझे उस नजर की तलाश है।

जिसे तू कहीं भी न पा सका,

मुझे अपने दिल में वो मिल गया .

तुझे जाहिब इसका मलाल क्या,

ये नज़र नज़र की तलाश है।  

तुझे दो जहाँ की ख़ुशी मिली 

मुझे दो जहाँ का आलम मिला 

वो तेरी नज़र की तलाश थी 

ये मेरी नज़र की तलाश है 

मेरी राहतों को मिटा के भी 

तेरे गम ने दी मुझे ज़िन्दगी 

तेरा गम नहीं यूँ ही मिल गया 

मेरी उम्र भर की तलाश है  

रहे नूर मेरी ये आरजू 

न रहे ये गर्दिश ऐ जुस्तजू 

जो फरेब ऐ जलवा न खा सके 

मुझे उस नजर की तलाश है 

Something i scribbled in office for Teacher's day:
....
....

Not by power of falsely might..
or by thrones, or swords of blood..
but by love and wisdom's insight..
breaking the dams on knowledge's flood..

I will carry you in ways unknown..
your love and stregnth in my humble pitcher..
to leave behind, long after

we're gone..
some of me and some of you, dear Teacher !