I do not know how to assess the
year gone by. By that i mean i do not know what i am supposed to look
for while going through the events. But, i feel like summing up the year
that got added to my life's timeline.
2011 had events
that took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I started the year
with lofty notions and dreamy ideals of entering the world of service.
Completed the long application of Indicorps, sailed till the final
interviews with all the naive and half baked philosophies of mine.
Rambled on in the interviews without making much of sense. Impassioned
however my arguments were, i fell short of logic. As expected, i didn't
make through the final list. But the experience just held a mirror to
myself. Nothing was adequate in my preparation. Neither had i done a
proper research on the prevailing scenarios, nor i had answers as to how
i can help in bringing any sort of sustainable change. All i went with
was a compassionate and heal all sort of attitude. But I have come to
believe that all experiences, that are borne out of a
conscious choice that you make, whether well planned or not, somehow are
pointers that lead you to the kind of life you work to have for
yourself. The Indicorps experience was one such for me.
Learning from the experience:
#
Never ever take crucial decisions when you are undergoing an emotional
turmoil. The work has to be done to fix everything that is wrong inside
in such a case. Whether you are undergoing relationship issues (which in
my opinion are the reasons for the major chunk of problems), or you are
under heavy influence of ideologies and feel compulsions to act because
of it. The second case however can work wonders sometimes in some cases.
# I have come to believe through experience that there are only two
ways of decision making which can bring about concrete results:
The first one is being rational and taking a step after having known
the associated possibilities and the risks involved. One has to be
extremely aware of situations and ground realities while taking
decisions in a rational manner.
The second way is to completely follow one's heart. This particular
method although ambiguous in
the sense that you cannot exactly predict the course that your actions
will put you into, is the reservoir of all the miraculous events that a
man can bring about. This is the way of your true being, this is the
key to unlock one's unlimited energy reserves and this is the key to
live outside the clutches of fear. Every unusual life story that we come
to hear is a result of this approach of life. All the other ingredients
(self discipline, courage, conviction, confidence) are although
necessary, they more or less come along with the first step.
#
Everything is subject to change. The most influencing ones being our
thought pattern. This is natural considering that most of our held
notions are combined results of impressions/experiences/perceived
information (wrong or right) combined with the complex psyches that each
one of us has. There is no correct way to do a thing. If you truly want
to participate, you've got to take sides (based on what you think is
right). There is no such way that you can call righteous. Of
course there are certain universal principles which are considered to be
good and ought to be followed.
Anyways, the point here being that change is natural and should be
welcomed, because it can be scary and emotionally difficult to cope with for an unprepared mind.
While the Indicoprs selection process is over, my leanings and
obsession with "working to bring social equity and right change" is not.
However towards the end of the year i realize that i became less aware
socially and followed the news rather superficially without any in-depth
studies. This brings me to my next phase of dilemmas i had to go
through in 2011.
While my relationship (rather my effort to have a relationship)
had met its closure, back when i left my last employer. Feelings i had,
were far from over. My naivety although fractured, was still there with
its dilapidated structure. The final blow came with the news of her
marriage. Although it was very much an expected thing to happen, hearing
it was a crushing blow. I felt like having lost her all over again. Love is very unusual in the way it morphs
peoples' lives. I will perhaps never be what i was, before i met her, but
i don't regret that. I do not anymore have any naive notion that she perhaps
liked me in the same way.
Moreover, I
was too complex (which i think i still am) in the way i
handled everything. One day i am tying 'raksha-sutra' at 'Dakshineshwar
Kolkata' for her with moist eyes, and yet i am reluctant to let her know
about anything i went through. Some regrets are there and always will
be but i have sailed through the turbulence for the most part. This was
my first love and i know it will be the most dear experience till i
breathe last. I will not be able to answer
and understand the whys and hows of this part of my life but I know
time holds the answers and i have learned to trust it completely.
2011, introduced me to the world of Martial Arts. I suddenly decided
and enrolled myself for 'Kyokushin' classes. This i think has been one
of the most remarkable events that has happened to me in 2011. When i joined, i was not
sure i would be able to carry it through, and yet i am running the 5th
month, and also have been promoted to an Orange Belt. Wearing the Kimono
and swaying myself with the powerful body movements was always a dream i
had and i have embarked on fulfilling it.
My
sense of poetry and knowledge about different poets and their work is
richer. I have written few poems, and they are what i consider "work
borne out of moments of pain and longing". I think that is how poets are
born mostly. Loneliness, pain, euphoria, longing for the unknown they
are the ingredients of a poet. Nevertheless, i write when i feel like
writing, and that is how all my poems are written till now.
Also,
Violin
understands me much better, and i can really progress fast if i practice
more honestly and sincerely. I hope 2012 would be more enriching than
2011 in this aspect.
There
are also doubts that have crept in my mind all along these events. I am
yet to define a concrete role for my living. I am yet to categorize
which activities to be labelled hobbies, and which to take up seriously
as a career. My involvement in the current job is really poor, and i
don't think i will grow properly if i continue the current attitude for
my job. I will have to write up and deliberate more on this. One of the
goals for 2012 would be to put myself on a definite track.
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