Stars are all i think of now
of their journey
and darkness of their path
and their bright long cover

why do they have to be so far
to make them look small
someone must be scared
of love and beauty

someone must be singing
only to listen to himself
and call them down
to kiss them and ask for love

From an unknown poet

ना सुकून ऐ दिल की है आरज़ू,

न किसी अज़ल की तलाश है। 

तेरी जुस्तजू में जो खो गयी,

मुझे उस नजर की तलाश है।

जिसे तू कहीं भी न पा सका,

मुझे अपने दिल में वो मिल गया .

तुझे जाहिब इसका मलाल क्या,

ये नज़र नज़र की तलाश है।  

तुझे दो जहाँ की ख़ुशी मिली 

मुझे दो जहाँ का आलम मिला 

वो तेरी नज़र की तलाश थी 

ये मेरी नज़र की तलाश है 

मेरी राहतों को मिटा के भी 

तेरे गम ने दी मुझे ज़िन्दगी 

तेरा गम नहीं यूँ ही मिल गया 

मेरी उम्र भर की तलाश है  

रहे नूर मेरी ये आरजू 

न रहे ये गर्दिश ऐ जुस्तजू 

जो फरेब ऐ जलवा न खा सके 

मुझे उस नजर की तलाश है 

Something i scribbled in office for Teacher's day:
....
....

Not by power of falsely might..
or by thrones, or swords of blood..
but by love and wisdom's insight..
breaking the dams on knowledge's flood..

I will carry you in ways unknown..
your love and stregnth in my humble pitcher..
to leave behind, long after

we're gone..
some of me and some of you, dear Teacher !

Woh ret ka samandar tha kinare

jahan hum tum baithey they

kehne ko kuch na tha magar

baatein fir bhi hoti rahin der tak

jab bhi tum najar hatake door lehron ko dekhti

main chupke se tumhari aankhon me jhaank leta

kya kahin inme kabhi mera khayal tha

par ye to tum jano aur tumhari aankhen

aaj bhi jab kabhi tanhayee me baithta hun

door door tak us ret ka ehsaas hota hai

lagta hai inme tumhari muskurahat aaj bhi bikhri hai

bas samet nahi sakta unhe 

waqt ke jhole me jab kabhi haath daalta hun

har baar haath se kuch choot jaata hai,

aur wo sagar kabhi kabhi ret ke sath nikal padta hai

kahin se maano tumhe leke aaya ho

=======================================

वो रेत का समंदर था वहां, 

जिसके किनारे हम तुम बैठे थे 

केहने को कुछ नहीं था मगर 

बातें फिर भी होती रहीं देर तक 

जब भी तुम नजर हटाके दूर लहरों को देखती 

मैं चुपके से तुम्हारी आँखों में झाँक लेता 

क्या कहीं इनमे मेरा कभी मेरा ख्याल था 

पर ये तो तुम जानो और तुम्हारी आँखें 

आज भी जब कभी तन्हाई में बैठता हूँ 

दूर दूर तक उस रेत का एहसास होता है 

लगता है इनमे तुम्हारी मुस्कराहट आज भी बिखरी है 

बस समेट नहीं सकता उन्हें 

वक़्त के झोले में जब कभी हाथ डालता हूँ 

हर बार हाथ से कुछ छूट जाता है 

और वो सागर कभी कभी रेत के साथ निकल पड़ता है 

कहीं से मानो तुम्हे लेके आया हो !

The Virtual Activity

YouTube is a gift. A good amount of my time has been spent on YouTube and Wikipedia in recent months. These two sites have added a lot to my knowledge of world affairs and have exposed me to some of the thoughts and ideas of the very best intellectuals of our time and they have helped me form opinions on some of the key issues that matters. Its important that i document my current views and try to crystallize them as clearly as possible.

Persons whose ideas have been introduced to me virtually in recent times:

1. Noam Chomsky : He has been unarguably the biggest influence on me recently. For the parts of his arguments, which i can relate to and understand, i have no difficulty endorsing. His views on States being able to manipulate and control peoples needs and way of life and keep them passive and selectively informed through various means in "Manufacturing Consent" is worth knowing about. He makes a strong argument and with his encyclopaedic knowledge and insight helps in understanding the power struggles of those who possess the information in society. His views on Governments being violent organizations and one whose acts should always be watched closely and skeptically, makes complete sense. One particular video which i like of him is this where he explains what exactly is the purpose of education.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdNAUJWJN08&context=C3d0bfacADOEgsToPDskJTDVoSH3tYJMAZRil1kZCJ

2. Christopher Hitchens :  I like him more for his mannerisms and the thrill he brings while he is debating  rather than his views. Some of the points related to the disastrous consequences of religious ideas and dogmas that he discusses so often completely makes sense. I admire him for some of the things he stands and fights for vehemently like "free speech", "right to a free inquiry" , "emphasis on scientific approach",  "opposition to dogmas and hypocritical stances of organized religion" and yes his "fearlessness". With his passing away in December 2011, he will be missed dearly by the intellectual world. RIP.

Documentaries I have watched in recent times:

1. Cross vs Crescent (The story of Crusades)

2. Conrad Wolfram on making maths beautiful

3.Philosophy - A Guide to Happiness

4. The fall of Lehman Brothers

5. The perfect Vagina

6. Albert Einstein (BBC Documentary)

7. The Rushdie Affair

8. Manufacturing Consent

Contd....

Reflections on 2011

I do not know how to assess the year gone by. By that i mean i do not know what i am supposed to look for while going through the events. But, i feel like summing up the year that got added to my life's timeline.

2011 had events that took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I started the year with lofty notions and dreamy ideals of entering the world of service. Completed the long application of Indicorps, sailed till the final interviews with all the naive and half baked philosophies of mine. Rambled on in the interviews without making much of sense. Impassioned however my arguments were, i fell short of logic. As expected, i didn't make through the final list. But the experience just held a mirror to myself. Nothing was adequate in my preparation. Neither had i done a proper research on the prevailing scenarios, nor i had answers as to how i can help in bringing any sort of sustainable change. All i went with was a compassionate and heal all sort of attitude. But I have come to believe that all experiences, that are borne out of a conscious choice that you make, whether well planned or not, somehow are pointers that lead you to the kind of life you work to have for yourself. The Indicorps experience was one such for me.

Learning from the experience:

# Never ever take crucial decisions when you are undergoing an emotional turmoil. The work has to be done to fix everything that is wrong inside in such a case. Whether you are undergoing relationship issues (which in my opinion are the reasons for the major chunk of problems), or you are under heavy influence of ideologies and feel compulsions to act because of it. The second case however can work wonders sometimes in some cases.

# I have come to believe through experience that there are only two ways of decision making which can bring about concrete results:

The first one is being rational and taking a step after having known the associated possibilities and the risks involved. One has to be extremely aware of situations and ground realities while taking decisions in a rational manner.

The second way is to completely follow one's heart. This particular method although ambiguous in the sense that you cannot exactly predict the course that your actions will put you into, is the reservoir of all the miraculous events that a man can bring about. This is the way of your true being, this is the key to unlock one's unlimited energy reserves and this is the key to live outside the clutches of fear. Every unusual life story that we come to hear is a result of this approach of life. All the other ingredients (self discipline, courage, conviction, confidence) are although necessary, they more or less come along with the first step.

# Everything is subject to change. The most influencing ones being our thought pattern. This is natural considering that most of our held notions are combined results of impressions/experiences/perceived information (wrong or right) combined with the complex psyches that each one of us has. There is no correct way to do a thing. If you truly want to participate, you've got to take sides (based on what you think is right). There is no such way that you can call righteous. Of course there are certain universal principles which are considered to be good and ought to be followed.

Anyways, the point here being that change is natural and should be welcomed, because it can be scary and emotionally difficult to cope with for an unprepared mind.

While the Indicoprs selection process is over, my leanings and obsession with "working to bring social equity and right change" is not. However towards the end of the year i realize that i became less aware socially and followed the news rather superficially without any in-depth studies. This brings me to my next phase of  dilemmas i had to go through in 2011.

While my relationship (rather my effort to have a relationship) had met its closure, back when i left my last employer. Feelings i had, were far from over. My naivety although fractured, was still there with its dilapidated structure. The final blow came with the news of her marriage. Although it was very much an expected thing to happen, hearing it was a crushing blow. I felt like having lost her all over again. Love is very unusual in the way it morphs peoples' lives. I will perhaps never be what i was, before i met her, but i don't regret that. I do not anymore have any naive notion that she perhaps liked me in the same way.

Moreover, I was too complex (which i think i still am) in the way i handled everything. One day i am tying 'raksha-sutra' at 'Dakshineshwar Kolkata' for her with moist eyes, and yet i am reluctant to let her know about anything i went through. Some regrets are there and always will be but i have sailed through the turbulence for the most part. This was my first love and i know it will be the most dear experience till i breathe last. I will not be able to answer and understand the whys and hows of this part of my life but I know time holds the answers and i have learned to trust it completely. 

2011, introduced me to the world of Martial Arts. I suddenly decided and enrolled myself for 'Kyokushin' classes. This i think has been one of the most remarkable events that has happened to me in 2011. When i joined, i was not sure i would be able to carry it through, and yet i am running the 5th month, and also have been promoted to an Orange Belt. Wearing the Kimono and swaying myself with the powerful body movements was always a dream i had and i have embarked on fulfilling it.

My sense of poetry and knowledge about different poets and their work is richer. I have written few poems, and they are what i consider "work borne out of moments of pain and longing". I think that is how poets are born mostly. Loneliness, pain, euphoria, longing for the unknown they are the ingredients of a poet. Nevertheless, i write when i feel like writing, and that is how all my poems are written till now. 

Also, Violin understands me much better, and i can really progress fast if i practice more honestly and sincerely. I hope 2012 would be more enriching than 2011 in this aspect.

There are also doubts that have crept in my mind all along these events. I am yet to define a concrete role for my living. I am yet to categorize which activities to be labelled hobbies, and which to take up seriously as a career. My involvement in the current job is really poor, and i don't think i will grow properly if i continue the current attitude for my job.  I will have to write up and deliberate more on this. One of the goals for 2012 would be to put myself on a definite track.